"We're taking a break" - how to deal with a pause in a relationship.
q u e s t i o n: Hi Jen!
Me and this guy were talking for about 8 months. It was extremely rocky. When it was good, it was REALLY good. when it was bad, it was REALLY bad.
He had just broken up with his ex a few months before we started talking, and he was persistent that we wouldn't be girlfriend and boyfriend yet, it was too soon for him, and I was okay with that at first. After a while, after I was upset he wasn't giving me everything I wanted from him, we decided to end it. I'm having a hard time now, he was everything to me for 8 months. He goes to school across in another state and we won't be able to try our relationship out again until he comes back in a few months. For the time being, I want to ask you, how can I make this easier? How can I make knowing he's probably with other girls and not me okay? Everyday I'm sad and I'm tired of it.
Ah I feel your pain... trust me I've been there and I know it's not fun.
So your heart hurts… but it hurts because you're dwelling and over-thinking about him and the situation. You'll never be happy if you're trapped in this mindset!
Thinking of the guy you like/love with other women? Don't do that to yourself! It's actual torture and so unnecessary.
From what you told me, it seems like it was kinda a toxic, unfulfilling relationship? Whenever there are "extreme highs and lows", there are probablyyy some real issues there. You even said he wasn't able to give you want you wanted... the real question you have to ask yourself is, do you think that's going to change?
The best way to deal with this if you want a shot at a healthy relationship, either with him or with someone else, you have to lick your wounds, stop overanalyzing and thinking about him… and move on. If he's off doing his own thing and being with other women.... oh GIRL you need to be doing the same and then some.
Moving on doesn't mean you're giving up on a chance with him in the future… it means you're getting yourself out of this mental trap and allowing yourself to happily live your life in the mean time. Allowing yourself to grow as a person.
When he DOES come back around, you may even find that he isn't the best fit for you. I don't know if this is the case, but I do know it's hard to see that when you're in the mindset you're in right now. When heartbroken, we tend to only dwell on the good times and convince ourselves it was better than what it actually was.
When you're able to take a step back with a better head on your shoulders and put feelings aside, you may view him and the situation very differently… and maybe you won't! But the healthiest way to deal with this regardless is to move on like he clearly is.
Easier said than done right? For me, I give myself a week after a breakup to just hurt, cry, vent, eat way too many carbs… and then I get my shit together. As soon as I start thinking about him, I divert my attention immediately… it starts to become easier and more automatic with time!
Be positive, get your mind AWAY from him… stay busy with people and activities that make you happy. That's all you can do.
If you want to keep thinking about him (past & future), you'll be miserable.
If you want to be happy, you need to do the exact opposite.
I answered a similar question on the blog, I think you might find helpful:
Don't be the kind of girl that waits around for someone... especially someone that may never be ready for you.
Good luck, keep me posted! I'll have a glass of wine for you tonight ;)